jessyka blogging at elowel.org
I am the mess you chose 10-30-05 22:08
Well. Tonight was supposed to be fun. Then it turned to shit in.... 5 minutes? I'm pretty sure that's all the longer I was there for. Obviously wasn't wanted. So I wasn't going to be there.

Good thing I left 'cause I ended up having a great time wtih Shaun and Jesicka. We went and saw Prime. It's a good movie. I liked it alot. Yep. And now I'm home.

And I'm getting so fed up with this crap. And other crap. And myself. And I hate that right when everything is going great it suddenly comes crashing down, day by day, taking everything back. As if, at last minute, they decided I wasn't worthy enough to keep the things I had recieved. It's fucking bullshit. But whatever.

Life is fan-fucking-tastic and I couldn't be lying to you more.
So.

The pieces are finally being placed together. The puzzle is becoming a masterpiece. And I have never been so happy.

<333

I'm lovin' my life right now. It's so great. Everything is going right. Nothing is going wrong.

I got promoted. Well, haven't yet. But the area manager, Kim, said she'll know for sure tomorrow and will tell me. But she's sure I got it. So I'll be an assistant. Making more money with more hours. I'll begin training next week. Which is just incredibly awesome.

I think I have a boyfriend. I'm not for sure and I don't want to call him that if he doesn't want to be known as that quite yet. But we talked about it sunday night I just don't remember what we decided. I was a bit drunk. lol. He called me tonight though. I was working, but he left a v.m. Sasha said he might call later tonight. But I doubt it 'cause they have a gig so yeah. But I'll probably see him tomorrow night. If anything I'll see him friday so no biggie. I'm just happy because it's real this time.

And yeah. Those are the two big things right now. It's exciting for me. So whatever.

<33
So.

Man. I felt like shit the other night. And last night a bit. But Autumn helped me to fix it. And we talked about crap. I really just didn't want to think about it anymore. And the only way for that to happen, was to smoke. Which is what I did. It may not be good, but it's better than cutting myself. Which is what would've happened had I not met up with Autumn. So thank you Autumn.

Anyways. So. Today I'm sleeping, and Vanessa calls and begs me to come in. Rikki didn't show up and she couldn't get ahold of her, and no one else could come in because of school or kids. So I did. And I found out that they're taking Rikki off the schedule, and Crystal quit. =( So that really sucks. One good thing though, I'm getting my 40 hours this week and next week that I've been begging for. And I may be able to stay at 40 hours. Which would rock. But if not I'll just get a second job. Ya know, whatever. But 40 hour paychecks each week is makin' me a happy little Jessyka. Yup.

Hm. So, the rest of the week is Work Work Work and me trying to be social. Doesn't look like it's gonna happen though. Oh well. Tomorrow I'm opening with a manager from Lincoln of whom I have never met, so that'll be a bit weird. After work we might take my dad out to dinner. His birthday is thursday, but he has class that evening. If we don't go out tomorrow, we'll do it thursday after his class. I work the afternoon thursday. Then friday I open again. Then saturday I'm trying to get some hours during the afternoon. That night is my Brittany's birthday party. So that should be entertaining. Then I'm gonna try and go see a movie with Laura. Or we might do that friday night, actually. I dunno. One of them nights. Then next week will be Work. Work. Work. Try to maintain a social life. lol.

I'm just so excited to get a 40 hour paycheck for one week. Oh god I could explode of excitement right now. You don't even understand.

But I'm gonna go. Find something productive to do. Ye-ah.

<33
I've gotta shake it off.

98 degrees stylee.

Haha.

I'm still eating that damn ice cream too. Argggg.

But now I'm gonna go over to Jay's 'cause there's nothing else to do. ::shrug::

<333
So.

Stuff was weird. Now it's just weirder. W-O-W.

La di da.

This ice cream is so good. I don't even think I'm hungry anymore, but for some reason I just keep eating this ice cream. Rather strange. Like some sort of addiction. And ice cream addiction. HAHA.

I amuse myself and for no particular reason.

Guess it COULD be the drugs. Yup. It just might be. just might.

On my way home I got the sudden urge to prance around my house naked. Then I got all disappointed and wished that I lived by myself so I could do exactly that. Then I imagined living by myself and dancing around naked with my cat. Then my mom randomly showing up, like she probably would, wanting to know if I wanted some Tuna Cassarole 'cause she made some. And me answering the door naked because I'm dumb and high. And it just being awkward. Akward? Awkard? I don't know. But it would be that. And then I stopped thinking about the whole ordeal because I didn't want it to be creepy. And then I laughed hysterically because I had been sitting at a flashing light this whole time thinking up this retarded story. Amusing, eh? Then I spent another couple minutes at the light laughing my ass off, and realizing once again that "Boy, you're still at a flashing light!" and finally turning onto Martin.

I love it when I'm high. <333

And I realized that I can't say no to you and the sex because I enjoy it too much and have no good, solid reason to say no. Other than the fact that you hurt me each time, and with each time I feel lesser of a person. But that doesn't mean anything when it comes to possible pleasure.

Which reminds me. Woot I'm getting a vibrater this weekend. Then I can be all ::orgasm::-y and maybe say no to you, because that's the one thing you can't do.

Haha I amuse myself. W0w. I missed up on that word like 6 times. How do you mess up on a three letter word six times? I don't know. Nor do I know why I typed the number in one sentence and then spelled it out in the other sentence. Quite intriguing I must say.

Ok. I'll stop this 'cause the more I write the weirder/wierder it gets.

<333
I'm so confused....

=

I hate it when you do this.
I can't describe what I'm feeling. I hate it when I can't do that. =

I decided last night... that the only way to get through this, is to erase you. And hey, if it's what I gotta do, then it's what I gotta do. I'll no longer call you. No longer text you. No longer drive by. No longer ask others about you. No longer dream. No longer hope. No longer care. And I'll no longer want you.

Because, you can simply go fuck yourself.

Heh.

HOPEFULLY, I can go through with it this time. Instead of thinking with my penis. (or vagina, whatever)

<3
So. Still feeling shitty. And hating almost everything. But, trying to not let it bother me. Which is working rather well.

Today's been the best day in awhile.

Got up. Watched MTV (damn Ashaliegh and Crystal getting me hooked to that stupid shit) made breakfast, went up to North, hung out with Anna Jo and Sasha. <33 Took Ash home, got gas, and went to Jake's. Met up with Sasha and we went to CrossRoads where she got shoes. Went back to Jake's. She went to work, Jake went with me to the Cricket Service Center place, 'cause my phone is being fucking retarded once again. But the line was too long and I forgot I had plans to do stuff, so we left. Took him home and I'm here. About to head out to Mall of the Bluffs with mom and Ash to get her homecoming dress, then to CrossRoads again to get my dress. Then I'm hanging out with my Autumn darlin'. Woohoo!

Tomorrow I work 3-9:30, and it's gonna rock so frickin' hardcore 'cause I'll be closing with Crystal AND Rikki. They're the coolest people that work there. I <3 them so.

I'm rather excited for Halloween now. I'm going to be Alice in Wonderland. Hot Topic has this cute costume along with cute little knee-high things, so I'm gonna get that. Just gotta find some shoes to wear. My hair will already be blonde and straight so that part is covered. lol. It'll be sweet. I can't wait.

So I guess I take back what I said at the begining, about me still being in the 'hating mostly everything' mood. I guess I'm really not... I'm just in the 'I hate him' mood. Meh.

It's ok though, I realized that maybe I don't want to be with him as much as I thought I did. Like, the reason for me wanting to be with him isn't for the fact that I like him so much. It's simply because I currently have no one, and I want to use him to fill the empty void in my heart? I dunno. I don't really like him that much. Currently, anyways. I just like the feeling that he gives me, and the way he treats me when I'm with him. ::shrug:: All in all, I just don't want to be alone. And each day it seems as if I'm drifting more and more into that state. =

But off I go so bye.
I'm just a notch in your bedpost, But you're just a line in a song.

I feel so... empty. Reality slap driving home. Out of now where.

.... And I begin to cry.

I'm so fucking stupid and I'm so fucking fed up with myself. I hate the fact that I sit here and change so fucking much, yet I'm still the stupid skank that I was before. I hate that after all the times I practiced saying 'no' to you, when it came time, I couldn't. I hate that my fucking assumptions were true, once again, and yet I'm still crying.

I fucking hate this. Me. Mostly you. Everything.
//Deep inside I think it's love. But it's probably just an obsession with the intentions of breaking my heart.\

This is just. I don't know. So confusing. Yet not. Blah.

I know how it goes. I know what'll happen. I know how it'll end. And yet, I still allow myself to get caught up in it?

I like this though. I like it ALOT. And I don't want it to be the same. It isn't. It's sooo different. It FEELS different.

It just..... it feels so right. But I know it's wrong. It always is...

I just really wish it wasn't.

Either way, I'll still participate in it. It's better to have something and want more, than to have nothing at all. Right?

Right.

//Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart \

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