jessyka blogging at elowel.org
06-20-07 21:47
I'm tired of pretending that we're perfect.
We're not.
Far from it.
I can't believe you fell asleep while we were talking.
That means SO MUCH to me.
Seriously. I know you're tired and all, but if you REALLY cared about what was going on with me, you would stay up to listen to my explanation. Afterall, you are the one who asked me in the first fucking place.
But no. Instead you 'fall asleep'.
What the fuck ever.
All I need to feel wanted and comforted and you fail to provide those things. So yeah, I guess I do miss how things used to be.
And I'm sorry.
My life rocks.

I love it.

<33
---Here I am beside myself again
I’m torn apart by words that you have said
and all in all, I know we’re falling apart
Where did you run to so far away?

And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep against the windowpane
Just like always

You said you like to hear the rain sometimes
and all I can do is tell you the truth
Oh my eyes will tell you the same

And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep again

And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep again

Grasp our hands together, we feel we are one result (x4)

And here we are to sing you a song
And there you are asleep again (x3)

---One devotion, to an empty moment
“Can you stay tonight?”
Silence broken, with words unspoken
Now she’s on her knees,
“No more feeling so useless, can I beg for one more?” she said
Taking with arms wide open, longing for sleep again

The air is clearing; again we’re breathing
Water turns to wine
The day is tired; the night’s inside her
Now she is alive
“No more feeling so useless, can I beg for one more?” she said
Taking with arms wide open, longing for sleep again

But now I’m awake (x4)

Keep breathing, to feel something
Take my breath away
Away, away, away
“Feeling so useless, can I beg for one more?” she said
Taking with arms wide open, longing for sleep again

But now I'm awake (x4)

---Playground school bell rings again
Rainclouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing
Hello
I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello
I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello
I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday

---She had something to confess to,
But you don't have the time so look the other way
You will wait until it's over:
To reveal what you'd never shown her
Too little much too late

Too long tryin' to resist it
You've just gone and missed it
It's escaped your world

Can you see that I have needed
Begging for so much more than you could ever give
I don't want you to adore me
Don't want you to ignore me
When it pleases you yeah
And I'll do it on my own

I have played in every toilet but
You still want to spoil it
To prove I've made a big mistake
Too long tryin' to resist it
You've just gone and missed it
It's escaped your world

Can you see that I have needed
Begging for so much more
Than you could ever give
I don't want you to adore me
Don't want you to ignore me
When it pleases you yeah
I'll do it on my own

I'll do it on my own
And I'll do it all by myself
You will never make it

----------------------
I hate feeling this. I hate questioning this. I hate doing this.

So tired. SO SO FUCKING TIRED.

Nights like this make me want to run my fucking car off the road. Or shoot my fucking brains out. But instead I'll probably leave myself some fresh scars for the morning.

I'm so fucking fed up. I want to be strong. I want to get fixed. But you have to know what the fucking problem is in order to overcome it. And, I have yet to figure out the problem. I need some fucking help....
I'm lookin' past ya 01-30-06 22:46
So... I'm being stupid. And bad. BAD, STUPID JESSYKA.

Yeah, pretty much. 'Cause I'm just gonna get hurt again. Let down. Used. Etc. But I can't just, not talk to him. Ya know? I mean. I dunno. It's weird. I enjoy not seeing him. Not hearing his voice, or his laughter. Not seeing his eyes or smile. Just, him not being in my life. But at the same time it kills me. Because he was a good guy. I mean, he needed to prioritize some shit. But all in all, he was pretty cool. And when we were friends, it was cool. Bleh. I dunno. Whenever I see him now, or talk to him now, it feels as if I have to show off. Like, show him how much better off I am now. Or how much prettier I am now. And shit like that. Am I a bitch for doing that?

Arggg it's so confusing. But it won't stop me. Watch. Eh. I hate myself when it comes to guys. Well, more so HIM. Yeah. He fucks me up more than anyone has, or probably could. Damn him.

But I'm off to bed. Just figured I'd update since I haven't.

<333
"He's not his old person anymore. Because he's TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY TOBACCO!" Or is it 'Chewing tobacco?' Meh, either way, it makes me laugh. Ads now a-days get funnier and funnier.

Hah hah hah

So in my attempt to not blog as often as I used to, I failed. Oh well.

I just decided that my entries will not be full-blown descriptions of my day. 'Cause I'm sure no one cares.

So. Hm. I'm sick. It sucks. I worked 6 straight 8-12 hour days this past week. Tomorrow is my first day off since last monday. I'm looking forward to it. Only I'm sick so it won't be as great as I was hoping.

My check is gonna be hella awesome. I'm excited. I got my W2s from work the other day. They took out close to 600 and parents say I should get the majority, if not all, of it back. So that's exciting. Just waiting on Taco Bells and Hudson's. Yay for money.

My molars are hurting a bitch, but I think that's because I'm grinding my teeth. I don't know why I am, either. I never have before. Maybe I'm just closing my bite too hard or something. Meh, whatever.

I'm going to head to bed before I pass out or faint. I'm so light-headed.

<333
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it

That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of my died
When I let you go

I'm G-thuggin' it yo! 01-13-06 00:05
So I was told
That you said some shit
Now all a'sudden
I'm a fuckin' bitch?
Sorry 'dawg'
But it don't work that way
If you're gonna complain 'bout the rules
Then don't fuckin' play
[This is my flow
This is my game
Why you so pissed
Anyway?]
So, I fucked your brother
One night stands are a bitch
But I appologized, remember?
You said you were over it
Okay, Okay
I got with your friend too
But you were pushin' for it
What'd you think I would do?
[chorus]
You got with my best friend
So it's not like you were alone
Then you fucked another one
And didn't want me to know?
What the fuck was up with that?
Atleast I fuckin' told you
You didn't have to hear it from someone else
'Cause it fuckin' sucks when you do
[chorus]
So the whole 'us' thing
Wasn't meant to be
Big fuckin' deal
Just don't blame it all on me
You did what you wanted
And I did too
Difference is
I didn't wanna do it with you

----------------------

I say I'm sorry
I say I didn't mean it
But turth me told
I meant every bit
'Cause I don't regret
I do what I feel
And I won't forget
How we were never 'real'
So why exactly
Didn't you give me a chance?
Was I not good enough
For your shitty-ass romance?
If you would've allowed it
I could've been your number one
But you only wanted a little bit
And frankly, it wasn't much fun
So I'll go on, yeah, I'll move on
Barely remembering your face
I may remember, but I won't surrender
You will be replaced.
::Attention::
I love myself. ::claps::
And am SO HAPPY with my current year so far ::gasp::

It's absolutely amazing and I love all of it. Mwahahaha.

And I guess I yelled "Fucker! I fucking hate you!" over and over again to Jay. Which I knew, I just didn't think I yelled it, or that he paid attention to it. But he definately did. HAHA. So my head was laying on the table when he left, and he was like "Well I'm gonna go" and I brought my head up, flipped him off, and said "FUCKERR!" and went back to laying on the table. That's just fucking hilarious. I love myself.

So today plans. Take a shower once towels are done washing. Get all pretty (which doesn't take much now a days) and go to SIZZALER with Ashaliegh. Then I want to go to WalMart and buy Wedding Crashers. Then we'll probably do random shit or whatever until the basketball game. Then we're gonna go to the North vs whoever game. Then we're going to MapleWood Lanes to do cosmic bowling for a going-away thing for Ash. So yay for a busy day/night.
Then tomorrow is work. Blah.

Off I go
<3
Staring into the intersection
She thinks that she can fly and she might
Holding on in a new direction
she's gonna try it tonight
The closer I get to feeling
The further that I'm feeling from alright
The more I step into the sun
The more I step out of the light

Jessica is covered in a blanket
On a sunday porch
Thinking on the weekends
She would party in the city
She doesn't have a flame
She'd prefer to burn out like a torch
If she gets nowhere in life
At least she knows she's pretty
12-04-05 17:26
Hm.

I really hope this isn't what it seems to be.

But at the same time I kinda want.

Bleh.

=/
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